Saturday, September 13, 2014


haven't had sex in a month, and i can't stop thinking

about your hands around my neck

and your arms pulling me into you 

and my arms begging for you to be closer

and your hands turning into fists while intertwined in my hair 

and my hands going all the way down your back

and your tongue tickling ever part of my skin

and my mouth moving to all the right places 

and sharing giggles and kisses in between 

and being mangled in each other afterwards 

and ugGGgHHhHHhhHhhhhh, I can't. 

Sunday, September 7, 2014

The white pill

You know what happens to girls like me? Girls who are always smiling, that don't have that many problems, that are adventurous, in love with life, but still depressed? They die. Because when you have everything, and you're in love with everything, but it still isn't enough, and it still doesn't make you happy...What else is there? So maybe I need a little help feeling better. I need a magic pill to send happy thoughts to my head so I don't wonder about dying. But the great thing is, I only feel this way because I have nothing holding me up. So I'm gonna take the pill, the pill that the doctor prescribed to me, until I think I can do it without the fucking pill. 

Sunday, July 20, 2014

how can you look me in the face and say I don’t love you?
when we lay in bed together I trace “I love you” into your back, every single time, not because I want you to feel it but because I want it to burn into your skin so you never forget it
I’ve been writing about you since you told me you loved me
when you told me you never wanted to see me again I wanted to pull my hair out, or have someone be there to punch me in the face for even getting the slightest bit close to losing you
I don’t just want you, I need you
I didn’t stick around for the fuck of it, I did because I love you
I didn’t wait outside for you all night night because I felt like it, but because I love you
I’ll stand by your side forever
you’re the only person who’s ever made me not want to be alone, and that’s a big fucking deal
when I want to be alone, I want to be alone with you
all I ever want to be, is alone with you
even if we are just sitting on the couch, I could look at you forever
and I know you hate being looked at but I love every inch of your face
when I’m the reason that you’re smiling or laughing it makes my day
when you’re in a good mood, I’m radiant
when you’re in a bad mood, I get depressed
when we are in crowded room together I search for you, I always want you by my side
your crazy and I’m really out of my mind
I’m out of my mind in love with you
I’m so out of mind in love with you that I’m never going to let you leave me.
because you’re it for me, this is it, I can feel it in my bones and in the deepest part of my soul, giving up isn’t an option,
you’re already in my veins
you take up all the space in my brain
you keep my head above water, if it wasn’t for you, id drown.
so how can you look me in the face and say I don’t love you?

Sunday, July 13, 2014

I've never wanted to beg for anything

I've never wanted to beg for anything
I've always known that people always leave 
but I forgot 
I thought you came into my life and you were gonna stay
better yet, I thought if you'd ever leave that you wouldn't come back
but you always say you're done, you always wanna leave
but you alway come back
why won't you just stay with me 
or just stay gone
but please stay
please don't leave me
I've never wanted to beg for anything
but I'll beg for you to stay
please stay
I don't know what to do without you
you don't understand that anything I feel with you is ten times better than what I feel alone
you don't have to make me happy every waking minute
just love me
and I'll love you
let that be enough
I've never wanted to beg for anything
but I'll beg for you to let it be enough 
I want to be enough
why can't I be enough? 

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

I want want want

I want to be looked at 

I want you to look at me when I'm not looking

I want you to look at me while I look at you 

I want to be touched

I want you to touch my face

I want you to run your fingers through my hair

I want to be kissed

I want you to kiss my forehead

I want you to kiss me everywhere

I want to be held

I want you to hold me when I'm sick

I want you to hold me from behind while we wait in a long line at some buffet restaurant 

I want to be loved

I want you to tell me about our love

I want you to fantasize about our love

I want you to be consumed by our love

look at me, touch me, kiss me, hold me, love me

Friday, June 27, 2014

forever love

who am I 
I'm sometime miserable and pessimistic 
quiet and sad
and a lot of the time I smile and laugh
but before what you see I'm what I feel 
I'm miserable, pessimistic,quiet, and sad.
that's who I am 
no one made me this way
no one can make me not be this way
my life made me this way
my life made me constantly look to the future
all I want to do is plan plan plan
and it's stupid 
I know that 
because it's true isn't it? in 7 years "we" won't be "us" 
"we" will be you and some other girl 
"we" will be me and some other boy
you believe that don't you? 
I never believed that.
I was always so stubborn when I was a kid, saying I never believed in love. but all the while I was in love for the first time.
of course I believed in love. 
what I didn't believe in was boyfriends you just met. 
I believed in connections, in real love, I wanted it all at once.
I still want it all at once. 
i still want to plan plan plan. 
even if I know it's stupid
moving out, moving away, moving in, marriage, kids.
and i refuse be with anyone unless I see that future. 
but I've learned not a lot of people see it that way.
because that's not real is it?
because only some people can feel the way I do. 
some people find it hard to look into the future, others find it hard not to look back in the past, and the good ones only care about the present.
well I'm not one of the good ones.
and I'm not the bad one either.
I'm the hopeless one.
I'm the one planning my future before it happens. 
I'm the one getting excited about my life but sitting here right now not living it. 
because I believe in forever love.
but forever love isn't real.
i don't believe anymore. 
so now I'm even more miserable, pessimistic, quiet, and sad.
because nothing lasts.
because realistically, this won't last.
but I still love to think it will. 

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

don't go breaking my heart

you have to realize I'm on your side. I'm the one that cares about you. when I get upset it's because I'm scared of losing you. yeah sometimes I think the worst, but that's who I am. I need to be reassured. and when you want space, tell me. don't take it out on me. I love you and I'll understand, all you have to do is explain or just say so. because when you take it out on me and when you don't talk to me or explain, you stomp on my heart. and it keeps happening, you keep stomping and stomping. and you're gonna crush me, so I really need you to try and do this for me. try to remember I'm on your side. try to remember that everything I do is because I love you. just understand that I already feel completely broken, and I don't want to love someone who makes me feel like I'm breaking even more. I'm never gonna stop loving you, I'm never gonna want to stop being with you. so please, I'm begging of you, don't take advantage of that. just help me, don't hurt me. don't break me, don't crush me. I'm on your side. I love you so much more than just to the moon and back.