Friday, April 3, 2015

key to happiness (or something like that)

When I turned 18 I thought that it was going to be the most important, and the best year of my life. I thought that so much so that I got super anxious about the idea that after 18 everything was going to be bad, or somehow less inspiring. So now here I am, saying that that’s no way to live. Why can’t every moment of my life be the time of my life, and bring just as much happiness? I’m on this new journey - and perhaps I’ve always been on this journey but didn’t realize - to inspire myself. What I’ve accomplished already gives me butterflies, and I think I found the key to happiness (or something like that).
1. Find something to look forward to. Make plans to live your life.
2. Find the one thing that you love doing. Hobby is such a silly word, but get a hobby!
3. Find the beauty in all of the craziness. Look around, and stop thinking of all the bad. Close your eyes and know that there’s life all around you and that’s extremely incredible, and breathtaking.
4. Let it consume you. Embrace the good feelings. The butterflies. The happiness that brings you to tears. Everything. Embrace it all.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

our story

he just seemed like trouble, something I wanted to be involved in all the time at that point, but most importantly, he didn't pay me any attention. Which obviously got my attention. I know I can grab someone's attention, so when it didn't happen I got extremely curious. I started with comments just to get him to make conversation with me, I was always making sure he knew he didn't have my full attention, I made it clear that I was seeing someone, but I still flirted, and he got more attention from me than most guys ever get. And then I let my guard down, I let him become my friend, I asked him to do things with my friends, we messaged on Facebook, and even texted. I still don't know if I got annoyed because he was becoming my friend or that he was starting to see me in a way that I didn't want him to. We would go out and get wasted and I would be a bitch or a slut or a drunk mess or all three. And every single one of my friends knew me that way. But I wanted him to know me in a different way.
He tried to kiss me one of those drunken nights. Well he didn't try, he asked. But I turned him down. And I thank god I did, because of the circumstances. And because I can't just kiss a boy the first time they ask, especially if I wanted to keep this one around. after that I decided to not let him be my friend outside of work, I didn't want him around the person I was when I was with my friends. So we had this weird thing going at work. He always seemed so grumpy, it became my job to get him to look at me so I could make him smile. I always remember butterflies, butterflies that I ignored for a long time. We both were seeing people and we openly talked about our relationships with them, but there was something there. There was these looks, constantly! And honestly I can't say they were deep looks,  just looks filled with lust. I can't even begin to say how hard it is to work with someone who you think about having sex with the whole time. 
Moving the story along...
Slow season came and lasted for at least two months. This is when he would say things and I would smile like usual, but then he would walk away, and I would keep smiling for minutes after. I would ask for his help bussing tables, or folding silverware just so he would stay inside and be where I could look at him or hear him. 
It's so funny to think of this stuff now, I used to think all of the little things I did were meaningless.
But once I started doing those hopeless romantic type things, I developed a little bit of a school girl crush. Yup, that's right, it went from a lust filled crush to a innocent school girl crush. 
I found out a lady I worked with was having people over and asked if he was going, with the intention of only going if he did, and he said he would go. I didn't think "this is my chance" or anything like that. I was really just excited that I could hang out with him outside of work, not just ustwo, and not with my group of friends either, but with people we were both familiar with. And that night I pretty much decided that if someone could make me feel so warm inside just by existing, that I had to do something about it for once in my god damned life. So my pathetic attempt of doing something about it was getting shit faced, flirting, dancing, sitting on the couch with him, and not remembering any of our conversation the next morning, all I remember is wanting to kiss him all night. I remember him laying on the couch with a brutal hangover the next morning, and I went to sit next to him, and I just rubbed his head and played with his fingers while he hid under his blanket until we both had to work. I don't know what happened to me that night but I couldn't shake it, I still can't. Within that week I ended up telling him that working with him and being close to him made me want to kiss him, and the awkwardness came like it always does. And I don't know where my balls came from but he would always ask me to hang out and like clockwork I would always deny him but one night I said yes. I picked where and what we did so I could be comfortable. We went to the beach and Drank beer and just talked. I considered it our first date. I remember looking at the ocean and the sky a lot. I only looked at him when he wasn't looking at me. This is one of my favorites moments of us. Because it was the beginning and because we talked each other's ears off about our fucked up lives, and aliens, and mermaids, and God. But then we sat quietly for minutes at a time too. In my opinion, I was lost and so was he. And I just loved that. When things got really quiet and he knew I was about to go home he just said "hey" and kissed me. He tasted like cigarettes but he kissed me like he had a good reason. After he left, I decided not to think about it too much. I didn't want to ruin anything by thinking.
Not even a week later, we did the same thing again. This time we talked about the world ending, and the stars. We saw a shooting start together. I played him my pandora stations. He kept kissing me like he was feeling something. I didn't know it then, but god I loved him at that  moment. 
After weeks of avoiding the guy I was seeing at the time, I decided to hang out with him. I made it very clear that we were just friends.And that was the last time I ever saw this guy again. He knew that all of my interest was gone. And that's when i realized, I wasn't in a relationship but I wanted one and not with some dumb boy from high school, but with someone who made my head spin and we hadn't even had sex yet, who made me laugh, and think hard about things, and who kissed me and meant it when he did. 
A couple days later there was another get together with people we worked with. I never thought of it until now but it was pretty much what is known as the "third date", I had a feeling that I was staying the night and that I wanted him to stay too. What I wanted happened. To say it was perfect would be a lie since we were both very drunk. But that's besides the point, the point is that he was the best, he was a man, and that was so attractive to me. Every touch made me want my more and still til this day I always want more, he's the type of person you crave, and I craved him all the time. we kept everyone awake that night and we didn't give a fuck, and he made me smile, and he made me enjoy cuddling which never happens, and it felt so good to fall asleep next to him. 
I can't say I remember all the thoughts going through my head the next day because I was extremely hungover but I never once regretted it. But I can imagine all I was thinking of was if it was going to happen again and if things would progress from there. I had never gotten any further than sex in a relationship, because I didn't want to and I was scared. But now I wanted to, and I was ready. 
We spent a lot of time with each other after that. One of the time including me sneaking him into my house in the middle of the night and getting caught having sex by my father. Other times were much cuter, like he came over and we just layed and looked at each other. I think I blushed that whole night. I was so happy. Right before we fell asleep he said "I just feel so connected to you" and we were. From there we planned a trip to Georgia with a couple we worked with, right before that trip is when I knew I loved him. We went to the beach late in the day by the pier which is always the busiest. He grabbed my face and kissed me multiple times, I never said much but I always hoped he could see it in me, the way I looked at him, the way he made me feel. He made my insides that were once empty into a gushy lovey mess, I felt like a freaking care bear stuffed with fluffs of love. 
I introduced him to my mom before we even started dating. She loved him and told me how great we looked together. He became my comfort and she saw that from the moment she saw us together. I was attached to his arm, always looking at him and smiling, and he was always touching my face or kissing my head.
We went to Georgia shortly after. I used to tell my dad that what scared me most about relationships was having to share space with them and sleep with them. I still can't believe how much I've changed. Being in Georgia showed me the type of relationship we would have, and I wanted it so badly. One of the nights my mom called me and wanted to talk to him, she told him "just love her and touch her face" I was so giddy after that just knowing that he always touches my face. He then began this sort of a speech by saying "I know you're not the boyfriend type, and I'm not really the girlfriend type either but I don't know where else to go from here." That was his way of asking me to be his girlfriend. He told me he didn't want anyone else and I asked him if he wanted me to be his girlfriend and of course I wanted to be his girlfriend so that was that. Starting April 11th we were inseparable. And I mean that quite literally. We were never apart for more than 24 hours. Not because we were up each other's asses, I think we actually tried to be apart sometimes, but it always lead to calling each other a couple hours later because we wanted to be with each other. We were very intense. A week into us dating he was already worried I was getting sick of him, and I wasn't. And I still haven't. We did cute things, we got into stupid fights, but we were in love. Neither of us said it at first and maybe he didn't know it up until he said it. But I knew it, and I felt it, and I was consumed by it. One night we had one of our stupid fights and somehow it ended with him saying "what if I love you?", my mouth literally dropped and I can remember staying silent for at least five minutes in disbelief. What I couldn't believe was that I got to be in love. Not only did I get to be in love but he loved me back. I could've bursted into tears right there but I just sat in shock. He then said "nevermind the what if, I just love you, and kaila, I've only said that to two other people, my mom and my ex, so don't take that lightly." I know I should've said it back immediately and I didn't ever doubt that I loved him! I was really just in shock. So he went to kiss me goodnight and he kissed me once and I managed to say "I love you too" and then he kissed me again and I said "a lot". That wasn't enough to express how much I really loved him, he probably had no idea in that moment how much I loved him, and that I had been falling in love with him for months, but I was and I did and it was everything to me. I wish I could remember every single great moment, but I don't. We had some rough patches with me and my lack of communication, and him with his bottled up anger, and with me leaving on my road trip, and with him hating the town we lived in, and back and forth and back and forth. But with all of that the one thing always remained the same. We were crazy about each other. We would fight but we would still spend every day together and we would still end up being okay, we were both a mess but we kept it together because we had each other. And when I was a mess he would find a way to make me smile and laugh and feel loved. And I always hope I've done the same for him.
When I left on my road trip I thought it was the hardest thing I had ever had to do. Which wasn't the case, but coming from a girl who literally thought something was wrong with her because she never cried, I was crying ever damn day. Like a baby. But he surprised me and flew to me and finished my road trip with me. We got to go white water rafting and I got to be kissed on top of a mountain. Both times were one of the best moments I've had. He could make or break me. He was my happiness. Then and now. But I think that's what love is, giving someone the power to take everything from you but they don't. We got back home and we had already decided we wanted to get out of this town. It happened quicker for him than it did for me. We shared more great moments everyday up until he left, and some very emotional ones too. We were so invested in each other that when one of us got too distant or quiet we felt like it was the end of us all together. When things didn't seem right we made it to be the end of the world. But we worked through it all, because we were that invested in each other. Because for whatever reason he sees something in me and I see everything in him. I will never understand how I got so lucky. But I could go on for days about what I see in him, because he simply is everything to me. We spent days at the beach, at bars, getting ice cream, watching movies, sitting on the couch, swimming in the pool, annoying each other, and every thing there was to do in this little town, we did. We never got sick of each other but we got sick of the place. Like I said before, he left sooner than me. We hit more rough patches and in my own opinion he did what he had to do. He was always independent and still is. As for me, I was always independent but now I am not. I became incredibly dependent on him, not for money or sex or love even, I was dependent on his existence, he was my person. I spent almost every second with him, and knowing that I had him next to me became all I needed. And then he was leaving. And he was mad, and I remember him leaving my house and walking down the street, and all of the sudden I couldn't breathe anymore. I watched him walk away and then all of the sudden I couldn't see him anymore. I was barefoot and red and breathless, but I was running. I was running after him. I knew if I let him walk away that I would never see him again. And if that's not true, it certainly felt that way. My life all of the sudden depended on him. This was just another night when I realized even more how much I loved him. Every day I loved him more and every day it surprises me because I never think I can love anymore, but I do. Eventually he left to New Hampshire. I went to work, I started school, and for the first couple of weeks if it wasn't school or work, I was barely moving. My dad was constantly checking up on me, holding me, and comforting me because the tears wouldn't stop. I bought myself a ticket to New Hampshire so I would have something to look forward to. In the meantime we dealt with the struggles of long distance relationships, which is the hardest thing ever. One night he called me and told me that he is truly in love with me and then he said "can I ask you something crazy? Are you sure? Will you marry me someday?" And I replied with "will you ask me someday?" For me that night put everything into perspective for me. This is someone I want to wake up to every day, all the worst days combined is nothing compared to one bad day without him. It all has been worth it. Because he gives me hope, and because we are gonna be okay. We are gonna be more than okay, we are gonna be happy and alive, but most importantly we are gonna be happy and alive together. We are gonna have wonderful lives and I'm gonna tell him how much I love him until he gets sick of me.
You're caught up to the present now, I just got back from my first trip to New Hampshire. Which was perfect, when everyone asks how it was my only answer is "perfect" because every other detail is ours, and ours only. I was living in a fairy tale for those five days. He decided he is going to stay there and that I'm going to move up there come December. I already booked my next flight to see him which will be during Halloween and I will apply for jobs and we will look at places to rent. I love his family and his family loves me, at least that's what I think. I am excited about my future with him and the adventurous life we have ahead of us with all the ups and downs. He has given me everything I've ever wanted. To know love, and to be consumed by it. He's the light at the end of the tunnel, he's the hand I'll hold through all the rough times. He's worth every smile, every kiss, every touch, every tear, every laugh, every cry. He is my everything, and that's the story so far. This isn't the end but a to be continued. 

Saturday, September 13, 2014


haven't had sex in a month, and i can't stop thinking

about your hands around my neck

and your arms pulling me into you 

and my arms begging for you to be closer

and your hands turning into fists while intertwined in my hair 

and my hands going all the way down your back

and your tongue tickling ever part of my skin

and my mouth moving to all the right places 

and sharing giggles and kisses in between 

and being mangled in each other afterwards 

and ugGGgHHhHHhhHhhhhh, I can't. 

Sunday, September 7, 2014

The white pill

You know what happens to girls like me? Girls who are always smiling, that don't have that many problems, that are adventurous, in love with life, but still depressed? They die. Because when you have everything, and you're in love with everything, but it still isn't enough, and it still doesn't make you happy...What else is there? So maybe I need a little help feeling better. I need a magic pill to send happy thoughts to my head so I don't wonder about dying. But the great thing is, I only feel this way because I have nothing holding me up. So I'm gonna take the pill, the pill that the doctor prescribed to me, until I think I can do it without the fucking pill. 

Sunday, July 20, 2014

how can you look me in the face and say I don’t love you?
when we lay in bed together I trace “I love you” into your back, every single time, not because I want you to feel it but because I want it to burn into your skin so you never forget it
I’ve been writing about you since you told me you loved me
when you told me you never wanted to see me again I wanted to pull my hair out, or have someone be there to punch me in the face for even getting the slightest bit close to losing you
I don’t just want you, I need you
I didn’t stick around for the fuck of it, I did because I love you
I didn’t wait outside for you all night night because I felt like it, but because I love you
I’ll stand by your side forever
you’re the only person who’s ever made me not want to be alone, and that’s a big fucking deal
when I want to be alone, I want to be alone with you
all I ever want to be, is alone with you
even if we are just sitting on the couch, I could look at you forever
and I know you hate being looked at but I love every inch of your face
when I’m the reason that you’re smiling or laughing it makes my day
when you’re in a good mood, I’m radiant
when you’re in a bad mood, I get depressed
when we are in crowded room together I search for you, I always want you by my side
your crazy and I’m really out of my mind
I’m out of my mind in love with you
I’m so out of mind in love with you that I’m never going to let you leave me.
because you’re it for me, this is it, I can feel it in my bones and in the deepest part of my soul, giving up isn’t an option,
you’re already in my veins
you take up all the space in my brain
you keep my head above water, if it wasn’t for you, id drown.
so how can you look me in the face and say I don’t love you?

Sunday, July 13, 2014

I've never wanted to beg for anything

I've never wanted to beg for anything
I've always known that people always leave 
but I forgot 
I thought you came into my life and you were gonna stay
better yet, I thought if you'd ever leave that you wouldn't come back
but you always say you're done, you always wanna leave
but you alway come back
why won't you just stay with me 
or just stay gone
but please stay
please don't leave me
I've never wanted to beg for anything
but I'll beg for you to stay
please stay
I don't know what to do without you
you don't understand that anything I feel with you is ten times better than what I feel alone
you don't have to make me happy every waking minute
just love me
and I'll love you
let that be enough
I've never wanted to beg for anything
but I'll beg for you to let it be enough 
I want to be enough
why can't I be enough? 

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

I want want want

I want to be looked at 

I want you to look at me when I'm not looking

I want you to look at me while I look at you 

I want to be touched

I want you to touch my face

I want you to run your fingers through my hair

I want to be kissed

I want you to kiss my forehead

I want you to kiss me everywhere

I want to be held

I want you to hold me when I'm sick

I want you to hold me from behind while we wait in a long line at some buffet restaurant 

I want to be loved

I want you to tell me about our love

I want you to fantasize about our love

I want you to be consumed by our love

look at me, touch me, kiss me, hold me, love me