Tuesday, December 13, 2011

secret 5: i dont burn to feel something, i burn to feel physical pain, not mental and emotional

I dont cut myself. I would never. I dont like blood, and I can't even watch movies where people are stabbed. Flesh being open is gross and im scared of it. So I burn myself, funny thing is im also afraid of fire. My worst fears are being stabbed and being burned so my logic in the cutting isn't very "stable"

I dont think scars from burning last long and I can always use the same burn always burn right over it so I dont have a bunch everywhere. Just two burns. I burn with a paperclip, I just take a lighter to it and put the end to my skin. Its a like a little "C" on my wrist, I never hold it there because it stings and im terrified of pain I just tap it until the sting goes away and then I press and the pain is instant, it goes away fast and the skin I burned lifts a little and I have to hide it just for a couple days.

This secret makes no sense, I hate pain, I hate cute, I hate blood, im scared of being burned, I dont do it to feel. So why the fuck do I do it?

Monday, December 12, 2011

unmotivated, un-alive, unloved, uncared.

Im a cranky, indecisive bitch. But you'll learn that's no secret.

If I can't have you, no one can. But I can have you, i just push you away. I wish I loved you I do, but a week ago I was easily without you. I keep reading books..like usual.

They all have twists at the end that are so unexpected, and they are all about rape or finding out that your really a second person
 it scares me, it gives me anxiety, my anxiety has been extremely bad, im in edge..jumping out of my skin. I want to die. But i can't, im too scared of the unknown and im scared no one will miss me.

I think i was raped, i know I've brought it up before but now its what im always thinking about. No one knows, but people have asked but i always say no because i never thought of it that way..until now. But no one has asked recently.

Monday, November 28, 2011

no secret for people who are not psychologically challenged

I was born into the world not socially awkward but socially incontent.
I guess meaning that relationships dont matter to me. I dont need definitions in relationships or friendships nor do i think I need friendships.
my love life is shit. Why? Because if someone declares we are dating or friends with benefits I get this urge to back out.
and i do.
Its social anxiety, its the fear of people getting close to me? Its the idea of a relationship when i dont know how to have one? Its ridiculous and i can't explain it.

But its fucking terrifying because i have feelings, i love, and boy do i lust. The only way i act out? Just play hard to get and say no to any relationship. I'll just kiss you and pretend.

Those relationships have gone the best. And so what? If that's what i have to do to be content ill do it.

Monday, November 14, 2011

cure me?

Of my unrealistic fear of the world ending.
Cure me..
Of the constant second person, that chimes into my conversations filling me with doubt.
Cure me of the feeling of death.
Of pushing away from others.
Cure me so I can know the difference of love and lust and no love and no lust.
so i can know left from right, and right from wrong.
Cure me, someone cure me.

Cure me from sitting here in utter silence, shaking, not breathing, wondering when and how this will be fixed.

Cure me, cure me, cure what I've become.

Secret 4: I have a irrational fear of everything ending, im like a mini schitzo.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

as hard as i try..

I can't remember.
I want to remember even though remembering will be like breaking a scar.
I read that sometimes things happen and you will yourself to forget, post tramautic stress I guess. Is it being scared to remember? Or am I not facing the situation? Maybe it didn't even happen. Maybe its all in my head. Maybe im that sick to think..

RAPE.

there's possibilities though.
I couldn't tell you how old i think i was, or how many times,
I could tell you everything before it happened but what happened after flesh was revealed?
Perverted, i don't want to think about, this is the first time i have written about it.

perverted.


Secret two is I might have been raped.