Monday, November 28, 2011

no secret for people who are not psychologically challenged

I was born into the world not socially awkward but socially incontent.
I guess meaning that relationships dont matter to me. I dont need definitions in relationships or friendships nor do i think I need friendships.
my love life is shit. Why? Because if someone declares we are dating or friends with benefits I get this urge to back out.
and i do.
Its social anxiety, its the fear of people getting close to me? Its the idea of a relationship when i dont know how to have one? Its ridiculous and i can't explain it.

But its fucking terrifying because i have feelings, i love, and boy do i lust. The only way i act out? Just play hard to get and say no to any relationship. I'll just kiss you and pretend.

Those relationships have gone the best. And so what? If that's what i have to do to be content ill do it.

Monday, November 14, 2011

cure me?

Of my unrealistic fear of the world ending.
Cure me..
Of the constant second person, that chimes into my conversations filling me with doubt.
Cure me of the feeling of death.
Of pushing away from others.
Cure me so I can know the difference of love and lust and no love and no lust.
so i can know left from right, and right from wrong.
Cure me, someone cure me.

Cure me from sitting here in utter silence, shaking, not breathing, wondering when and how this will be fixed.

Cure me, cure me, cure what I've become.

Secret 4: I have a irrational fear of everything ending, im like a mini schitzo.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

as hard as i try..

I can't remember.
I want to remember even though remembering will be like breaking a scar.
I read that sometimes things happen and you will yourself to forget, post tramautic stress I guess. Is it being scared to remember? Or am I not facing the situation? Maybe it didn't even happen. Maybe its all in my head. Maybe im that sick to think..

RAPE.

there's possibilities though.
I couldn't tell you how old i think i was, or how many times,
I could tell you everything before it happened but what happened after flesh was revealed?
Perverted, i don't want to think about, this is the first time i have written about it.

perverted.


Secret two is I might have been raped.