Tuesday, December 13, 2011

secret 5: i dont burn to feel something, i burn to feel physical pain, not mental and emotional

I dont cut myself. I would never. I dont like blood, and I can't even watch movies where people are stabbed. Flesh being open is gross and im scared of it. So I burn myself, funny thing is im also afraid of fire. My worst fears are being stabbed and being burned so my logic in the cutting isn't very "stable"

I dont think scars from burning last long and I can always use the same burn always burn right over it so I dont have a bunch everywhere. Just two burns. I burn with a paperclip, I just take a lighter to it and put the end to my skin. Its a like a little "C" on my wrist, I never hold it there because it stings and im terrified of pain I just tap it until the sting goes away and then I press and the pain is instant, it goes away fast and the skin I burned lifts a little and I have to hide it just for a couple days.

This secret makes no sense, I hate pain, I hate cute, I hate blood, im scared of being burned, I dont do it to feel. So why the fuck do I do it?

Monday, December 12, 2011

unmotivated, un-alive, unloved, uncared.

Im a cranky, indecisive bitch. But you'll learn that's no secret.

If I can't have you, no one can. But I can have you, i just push you away. I wish I loved you I do, but a week ago I was easily without you. I keep reading books..like usual.

They all have twists at the end that are so unexpected, and they are all about rape or finding out that your really a second person
 it scares me, it gives me anxiety, my anxiety has been extremely bad, im in edge..jumping out of my skin. I want to die. But i can't, im too scared of the unknown and im scared no one will miss me.

I think i was raped, i know I've brought it up before but now its what im always thinking about. No one knows, but people have asked but i always say no because i never thought of it that way..until now. But no one has asked recently.