Thursday, December 27, 2012

stuck.

I'm so sick of you being the first and last thing on my mind every morning and every night.
you told me I'd be stuck and I'm so stuck and it hasn't even it me yet.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

temporary happiness

everything about you is temporary but I would want you to be a regular thing.
you told me I'd feel this way.
you said id get stuck.
but I don't think I'm truly stuck.
I have distractions, and I don't love you..I love someone that's totally not you.
you remind me of being young and foolish.
you remind me of heartbreak.
you're the realest thing to me. I'm in love with the idea of you staying. but it's also a blessing you're leaving, because if you ever were to stay you would make me love you. and I want nothing more then to not love you.
I don't want you to give me butterflies.
I don't want you to tell me I'm pretty.
I don't want you to take pictures of yourself on my phone.
I don't want you to want me to miss you.

because if you want me to miss you..I do.
I already do.
you haven't even left, and I miss you.
you could be laying next to me right now and I'd still miss you.

there's no love here, I just miss you because you made me. you gave me no other choice.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

yes.

yes.
what does that word even mean? how do you say yes to loving someone? just yes.
some words you can't just throw around . like love.
just like you don't go around flicking the bird you shouldn't be throwing around the word love.
like..FUCK NO.
yes.
the word "yes"
no.
no.
no.
don't love me.
because I love you.
yes.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

all the what ifs

when you're in highscool you always blame the town you're in for why you're unhappy. atleast that's what I do.
so I'm just wondering if it really is this town or if when I leave nothing is going to change. maybe it is just me.
or what if I never leave? what if I never leave because I am too attached to every, little, thing. I'm attached to my co workers, and my teachers, so many people have broke me and helped me and inspired me here that what if I leave and I miss them all too much. what if I think leaving will solve all my problems but really it doesn't. or what if I don't leave and I just keep getting worst.
ill never know until I try I guess. but I'm a coward. I may just be too much of a pussy to even try.
what if I stay for someone who doesn't want me? what if I wait around?
just what if...

Sunday, November 11, 2012

it's that time of year

time for the biggest fuck ups
and I out did it this time, fucked up baddd.
yeah the one persons opinion that matters to me lost respect for me, I was almost dating his best friend while fucking around with someone else who didn't know I was with someone and he's actually friends wth him too and I shouldn't have fucked around with someone I actually care about while almost dating someone I actually could care less about. yeah you don't get it?
confusing enough for you?
well in other words..
IM A HUGE FUCK UP.
and the person that lost respect for me is way worst then me so for him to even call me out..

Friday, November 9, 2012

chicken little

after watching movies about the world ending, and having dreams, and the president election, and black outs in my county I'm getting paranoid. it's such an irrational fear but I am terrified of the world ending and me not getting a chance to say what's needed. so if we do get some kind of time or warning before it does end..

I wouldn't lie, I wouldn't sugar coat anything I would tell everyone how I really felt if they asked and I'd say bye to everyone whose made an impact on me, enjoy it, find a complete stranger who is just as lonely and go on an adventure to nowhere. and call my dad in the very last minutes.

the sky is, infact, falling.
atleast that's what I feel.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

My roots

I need to write,
But I don't know what to write..I'm stuck.
All the time.
I'm happy..but I'm stuck.
And it's the worst feeling to not know what your missing, it's the worst to think you know and then you change your mind.
That's me. Indecisive.

It's so pretty out right now, it's that time of year everyone always remembers. The perfect cool weather, cold enough where you can still wear shorts but can wear a sweater too. We're you can sit outside without being uncomfortable. Light candles, listen to Coldplay tell me help is just around the corner, and read a book that I intend on finishing because its fabulous but I just haven't got around to it.
I'm completely satisfied but there's a hole.
I lost all my roots.
"I'm shattered but it really doesn't matter"

Because no one is listening

It's been awhile but I know you haven't missed me because who out there is listening?
The next year will be filled with sad endings and hopeful beginnings.
With who and why and where I have all planned but who can really say for sure ?
I haven't figured out if I'll be the type of girl to wait for someone to ask me to stay or if I'll be the one to ask someone to stay or someone to come with me even.
All I know is I'm the changed one. I've come so far to end up wanting to be back where I was nine months ago. Sad. Hopeless. Tired. What am I now? I'm changed, yes, but so much more.
I can handle my liquor, and can't go a day without a bowl packed of weed. I have lots of friends and all of them are high on the social status, I go out and act friendly and do things. I have sex, I do things impulsively. I'm finally a teenager. And I do not like it. I've lost who I am in becoming a teenager, who I was before, was this terribly sad person with a story and who I look like now doesn't seem to have one.
Am I alright with that? I'm sure there's some discontent there but I can block the nostalgia out.
My sadness faded because I started making plans and believe it or not it's the perfect remedy. Think about the future and how close it will be here.
San Diego. Boston. One boy. A friend. College. Anywhere but Florida.
I started thinking I have borderline personality disorder. I brushed it off. And I will keep brushing it off as long as I can keep planning my life after graduation.
I assume once I graduation and if my plans don't work out I'll spiral back down so I should make plans to plan more.

Monday, January 23, 2012

quote:

this boy..


He’s my age, has tattoos, dark hair, light eyes, hes taller then me, and strong. He used to like me but waiting it out made him like me more, he always has to be near me, holding my hand, or kissing me. He’s not passive; hee kissesme whenever he wants, without warning and i let him kiss me whenever he wants because i love it. he opens doors for me, and tells me he thinks my hair is the shit even though its a knotty mess. He wants to meet my dad, and already loves my mom. We have the same friends, and he smokes pot, and even better he buys me pot. We’ve been really good friends for 3 years and he always said hes gunna marry me and treat me right, make me breakfast in the morning, and no one will be better then him. 
What can i say? I cant say no. i just cant, because im smiling and that counts for alot.
im happy. not tired, or sad, or crying. im just..happy.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

lost with someone else

For the past two days, i have been worried about someone else, every time she would go to the bathroom or leave the room i thought she was going to kill herself. And everytime she told me she had nothing, and there was nothing to live for anymore and she just cant. I said nothing, and when she asked for me to say something i told her i didn't know what to say. Because i feel the same way except, i just know i have to live, for my mom and dad..maybe. But she doesnt have a mom and dad that care. I didn't know what to tell her because if i have my mom and dad and i want to die, i have no idea why someone without and mom and dad doesnt want to die. When a crazy person asks another crazy person for advice it'll end badly so i just said nothing. She has to make the decision on her own. My best friend might kill herself and I have no reason to give her to live, I dont even have reason for myself to live.

Monday, January 2, 2012

the truth is..

i know we are never going to work,all these months weve been trying and holding onto eachother but its never going to work so ive been secretly getting over you and moving on and ive been finding it pretty easy but now i feel like im stringing you along which was never my intentions. and its been impossible to get out there and be with other people...boys, because everyone thinks weare something that we are not.

secret number..idk i havent been following: its over.