Thursday, September 13, 2012

My roots

I need to write,
But I don't know what to write..I'm stuck.
All the time.
I'm happy..but I'm stuck.
And it's the worst feeling to not know what your missing, it's the worst to think you know and then you change your mind.
That's me. Indecisive.

It's so pretty out right now, it's that time of year everyone always remembers. The perfect cool weather, cold enough where you can still wear shorts but can wear a sweater too. We're you can sit outside without being uncomfortable. Light candles, listen to Coldplay tell me help is just around the corner, and read a book that I intend on finishing because its fabulous but I just haven't got around to it.
I'm completely satisfied but there's a hole.
I lost all my roots.
"I'm shattered but it really doesn't matter"

Because no one is listening

It's been awhile but I know you haven't missed me because who out there is listening?
The next year will be filled with sad endings and hopeful beginnings.
With who and why and where I have all planned but who can really say for sure ?
I haven't figured out if I'll be the type of girl to wait for someone to ask me to stay or if I'll be the one to ask someone to stay or someone to come with me even.
All I know is I'm the changed one. I've come so far to end up wanting to be back where I was nine months ago. Sad. Hopeless. Tired. What am I now? I'm changed, yes, but so much more.
I can handle my liquor, and can't go a day without a bowl packed of weed. I have lots of friends and all of them are high on the social status, I go out and act friendly and do things. I have sex, I do things impulsively. I'm finally a teenager. And I do not like it. I've lost who I am in becoming a teenager, who I was before, was this terribly sad person with a story and who I look like now doesn't seem to have one.
Am I alright with that? I'm sure there's some discontent there but I can block the nostalgia out.
My sadness faded because I started making plans and believe it or not it's the perfect remedy. Think about the future and how close it will be here.
San Diego. Boston. One boy. A friend. College. Anywhere but Florida.
I started thinking I have borderline personality disorder. I brushed it off. And I will keep brushing it off as long as I can keep planning my life after graduation.
I assume once I graduation and if my plans don't work out I'll spiral back down so I should make plans to plan more.