Thursday, September 26, 2013

the worst kind

getting satisfaction over someone else's satisfaction, I can't explain it. is that love?
I think it's a part of love but when it's just that and nothing else, it's lust.
so after I justify it for myself, now I can say that his satisfaction is mine. the things I do just to know he will like it, it's all because I'm satisfied with myself when he's satisfied with me. 
it sounds very unhealthy, and it probably is. but I can't help it.

Monday, September 23, 2013

it feels great to be needed

the greatest feeling has to be getting over someone completely. 
where you don't hate them, you can be around them, you can even have a conversation with them and finally be happy for their happiness. 
we have wronged each other so many times that I forgot whose fault it was to begin with, but I know now that what has come out of it all was getting to know someone, and tonight I found out that whether its romantic or just friends, that that someone needs me. 

Saturday, September 7, 2013

I'm depressed.

I'm depressed. every day is tough, some days are tougher, and every now and then just thinking about another day cripples me.
I'm depressed but I've accepted it. it may have taken me years but im here now. yeah I'm sad but that's a part of me. I'm always thinking a million miles per hour and sometimes it just paralyzes me. instead of trying to cure myself, I need to find myself. that may take just sitting in bed and thinking some more or it may take a vacation, or road trip. 
I wish I could look up, but instead of always looking down, I can at least look forward. 
I've been trying to cure myself for so long  because I never could accept who I am. I still haven't but I do know, you can't cure who you are.
I can't cure who I am. I have to accept it, and live with it. because life is the only option and I am who I am. 

Thursday, August 29, 2013

ugh

you're a distraction to my life. I have all these things I should be worried about but I worry about you the most. I don't worry in a bad way, but you consume my thoughts. and there's not a day where we aren't talking, how do you not get distracted by something like that? everything about you: your smile, your eyes, your voice, your laugh, the way you think you're an asshole but you have this side to you that's like a little kid, how you kiss me, how you play, your way with words. everything about you kills me, just knocks me the fuck out. and wherever my feelings go with this, it'll be worth it. you can crush me and it would be the best. you warned me and i haven't even tried to stay away, how could I? I'm so used to you, how could I stay away?

Friday, August 23, 2013

just like in movies

maybe you just want to watch a nice movie; in our underwear, in my bed, like many people do. or maybe you want me in my underwear and a tshirt just so you can pull my shirt over my head and kiss my neck and lay in bed with me straddling you and my hair all in my face, like the mess it always is. and then, I'll kiss you just once, and your hands will be in my hair, you'll push me over and straddle me and kiss me and touch me. and you know us...no self control. so you can let your imagination run wild about what happens next. here's a clue: we end up laying side by side breathless and maybe I'll kiss you and you'll kiss me. and surely I'll be a good host and put my tshirt and underwear back on and cook you food, like you see in movies. and when it's all said and done, maybe you'll fall in love with me.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

welcome back insomnia

okay, how much motivation does it take to go to sleep?
I thought staying up until 5 am yesterday would help but nooo, here I am. 
can't get comfortable and can't stop thinking. can't decide if I should just lay here, read a book, go outside or watch a movie. 
usually it's easy, I lay down and I imagine all these scenarios until I start to fall asleep and the scenarios turn into dreams and then that's it, I'm off.
but the past nights I can't shut down, I'm completely on and wired.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

I've been waiting for this moment and now what

my dad has always pushed me to do good and school and go to college. and I've always wanted to do good in school and go to college.
but here we are, less than a week away from my first day and my car is broke, my dog is dying, I'm going to fucking college and my dad is leaving. not for business or anything important. he's leaving to get away from the stress and he didn't even notice that what he's stressed out about is what I'm even more stressed anout. you're stressed about my life, well I am too. so it's a bit selfish and inconsiderate for you to get up and go and not to stop and think for one god damn second that I need you.
he leaves in one day, and my car is still not working. I've given him money once a week for the past month so it could be fixed by the time he leaves and nothing has been done. but he still thinks its okay to whine and complain to me about what I'm doing wrong. that's not okay, you're leaving me! after all this time of pushing me to get where I'm about to be, it's all about to go to shit just because I don't have a fucking car. I could've done this on my own if I had warning, I could've done it like I wanted to but you were the one that convinced me to stay and live with you. for what? so you can fucking leave when I need you most. I haven't had a peaceful moment in weeks because I'm stressed and you've taken it upon yourself to be stressed for me and I totally love you for that, but don't leave. don't fucking leave. 

Thursday, August 1, 2013

independence?

do you think there are people who just go their whole life withou being in a relationship? because really, who ever said that having a companion is required in the rule book of life? I think it's okay for a person to be alone, it's just a more  literal form of independence. 
I bet some people can't even fathom being alone. we all know someone who's like that too, and if you can't think of that person, then the person is you I'm afraid. 
I prefer to be alone. it's a good thing and it's a bad thing but I don't know what's good and bad. I know it's a good thing that i protect myself and don't get close to anyone but what if I'm protecting myself from good things and missing those good things? 
isn there a way to find someone else like this? someone who will understand that "hey I love kissing you. I may even love you, but no, I don't need you."

Sunday, July 14, 2013

I had a friend with depth, and then she left. 
I haven't been able to speak my mind since.  and when I try to, even just a little, no one understands.
I haven't met anyone like her. I've been so stuck in my head because she's been gone so fucking long.
I want her here, I want it to be a summer night where we stay up until morning and listen to music and take pictures and dye our hair and smoke cigarettes.
and just be sad. I need someone to be sad with, because I'm oh so lonely.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

silence and touch

everyone wants relationships for the weirdest thing.
I just want someone who can appreciate silence, where we can talk with out eyes.
and what I'm most excited for is being able to have someone to touch all the time; when I wake up in the morning, eating breakfast in our underwear, going to bed. just always tracing my fingers and getting to know all the depth of their skin. memorizing someone. being that in love. that's all I want. silence and touch and lots of kisses and playing with hair.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

everyone is meant to be saved

sometime in your life you will meet someone, and they will start to talk to you, and all of the sudden a lightbulb will go off in your head, or you'll see fireworks, or a glimmer in that persons eye. no matter what it is it'll spark inspiration and motivation in you. when that happens, it's very important that you know this person is meant to stay in your life. it will not be a lover, but like meeting a long lost friend, or a role model figure. I am blessed to have found that person at only 17, and maybe I only found him so young because the lack of motivation and confidence I get from my parents but either way I am so lucky to have someone that drives me the way he does. I'm so grateful and that lightbulb that goes off every time I get to see you gives me hope and hes the only person I've ever met who has pushed me to be great in life. it's one thing to hear from a parent or family but to hear it from someone who just meets you and sees it in you, is inspiring. find that person, they will save you.

-For AJ

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

lust

I want lust.
I want everything bad for me.
the bad boy that just wants to fuck me.
I want him to fuck me until I'm numb.
I want his hands aggressively, all over me.
grabbing and pulling, like he can't get enough.
I want his nails down my back, and his teeth on my neck and lips.
I want to get chills, aches, and bruises.
I want him to charm me afterwards with all the sweet talk and tenderness that is all FAKE.
he can run his fingers down my back and kiss my face and play with my hair.
I want him at any time and every time. any where and every where.
I want my feet to curl, and have to fight the urge not to scream.
and when it's all said and done, ill remember him.


Monday, March 18, 2013

speak

I can't.
I can't speak.
people ask my what's wrong and if just won't come out.
I'm so scared of everything, so irrationally scared and paranoid.
I'm confused as to how this all could happen. how can I not feel anything, how am I so alone, so mad, so sad, so scared, so heartless, so bi polar, so crazy.
I'm going crazy. still going crazy.
I've never burned myself so good until a couple days ago.
I've been thinking about killing myself every day. I've been crying every day.
I never cry.
why didn't the world end? how didn't it? how am I still here and how is this real life? I don't feel real. I feel like it's impossible for someone to feel this way. how can a mind be so fucked up?
and most importantly, how can I be so fucked up in the head and completely aware of it but I can't change it. why can't it just be that easy! and why do I know I need hell but can't seem to know why I need it or why I can't talk about it. I just know something really fucked up is going on.
I wake up every morning just to want to go right back to my dreams. I don't want this to be real anymore. id rather be gone. I'd rather be dead. I need help because this is the end. I can feel it and I crying out for help in my head but no one can hear me.
someone please help me, please save me.
I don't want to be like her.
like my step mom.
what if no one believes that I'm fucked up.
I don't think anyone will.
they will think I'm lying just like she was. she lied and wanted everyone to port her and I hated her and now I'm like her.
what if the whole time what she was feeling was real?
I need to be saved

Sunday, March 17, 2013

first love

I literally feel nothing, I am detaching from everything. I have never felt alone or real heartbreak until now.
you know when cheesy girls say "he was my one and only" and everyone laughs because they all know it's not gunna ever be like that, I'm one of those girls. I know ill move on and my life will be perfectly fine without him but right now I need my time. just a couple days to not be okay, because I am not okay. you all asking if I'm okay when you already know the answer. id rather silence than sympathy.

it's so fucked up how much I can love someone, but it be this easy to move on. all because you were never around. all because we were both just in love with the idea of each other. all because we were both each others first loves.

there's no words for what we were besides; first love.
when bad shit happens it makes you a better writer, especially when you want to be a writer. just think of all the psychological damage a writer will go through to be a better writer.

Friday, March 15, 2013

it's gunna hurt

I've never loved someone so bad. where even when it gets so rough you can't let go, the person you wait around for, the type of relationship that both people knows that it will never happen but you just put all your emotional energy into it anyways. it's exhausting and depressing. I'm in need of Xanax and a good fuck. I don't want to feel anything anymore. it's all about getting even for him and I know with that being said if I see him tonight it won't be good. I have neee loved someone so bad. how did I just work up the courage to end things but it got turned around me and I'm the one at home in bed crying. because it matters, it hurts this much because Collin Larocco matters. he mattered the most and now I have to try and make him not matter,

Sunday, March 10, 2013

it's my fault

the burn is so small no one will ever notice or realize how much it hurt. it each time it looks worst but hurts a little less but it's still painful but things get numb afterwards. I think I should go to the doctor, no one will take me, I have no one to talk to, my own best friend doesn't want to hear it, she doesn't know. she thinks her problems are bigger. I think I want to die again. idk why but I feel like maybe I should just go now, away, for awhile. I turn everything around me into shit, I ruin everything it makes me wanna puke. I think I just might..
I'm sick to my stomach I just need someone as fucked up as me to fuck the pain out of me. I'm not ready for life. life isn't ready for me. I'm evil.

Monday, February 25, 2013

to wait or not to

You can't handle how you feel, let alone how I feel. I can't wait for words that you may never say. I can't wait at all, anymore. I could be missing out on so much.
But I can't end things knowing that you will leave so much unsaid. I need to hear your words, I'm so stubborn, but I know you love me and I know I'm contradicting myself but I'm having a war. To wait or not to.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

the world didn't end

it's currently 2013 and I'm lying in bed.
when really, I thought the mother fucking sky was falling.
now you can imagine the excitement of getting to live but what I didn't imagine happening was the anxiety of my future because I was actually RELYING on the world to end.
everyone went all out, and it's like..now what?
I know I feel like I gave out all my love and feelings and concern all in 2012.
now I have to make plans, I actually have to have a future.
and realizing that completely will take me some time.
but for now all I know is I'm not prepared for the planning.
I planned and planned and planned and now, well times up kaila!
your running out of time, out of money, out of space, out of words.
and as much as I want to start planning again..I can't because everyone I want in my life isn't in it and everyone I want out is up my ass.
as you get older you really do get wiser. and when your parents tell you something and say you'll understand it once you're older, that's true too.
so much shit happened to me and the more I age the more I realize what has happened to me.
I need to talk about it.
I need to talk about how the woman I hate most was a motherly figure to me.
that when my mom was out and about for two years, the crazy bitch who tried to kill my dad and ruin my life was also a mother to me. she was a real person and I had feelings for her. sometimes I even thought I loved her, sometimes now I wanna throw up just thinking that I might miss her.
having a sister most of growing up and now she's gone. and my best friend is just like her and I'm reminded everyday how much I took our relationship for granted.
I don't know if it's because I'm about to graduate and being an adult and going out into real life is scaring me but it sure is opening my eyes to a new reality. I'm realizing too much about myself all at once that I can't take a second to even stop and think what it means.
all I know is there are deep roots behind me, that have made me who I am and they will only haunt me if I don't come out and talk about my life.
my life that I hated so much.
everything is killing me.
I wouldn't be surprised if I pack up and leave when I get the chance.
I don't know if ill have the balls to leave people I love. but most of my love goes to someone who doesn't love me.
I think it's time to throw my white flag up in the air, surrender, it's done, over.
I.give.up.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

the problem to my relationships

I used to spend so much time trying to explain myself, and every time, I explained myself differently. so I just stopped because I'm constantly changing, and the only thing that ever remains the same is that after all is said and done and I put myself out there, I'm still misunderstood.

I just don't want to give people the time to get to know me because the moment you start something with someone and reveal yourself, that's an attachment. and when you start something, that also includes an ending.
I spend my whole life not defining things and dragging things along because I'm waiting for that feeling to go away. I'm waiting to not be scared of the ending, I'm waiting for the person that is worth the risk. that no matter what the ending looks like, ill be there.

and theres a person i have in mind.
and i trust him so much, like hes the only person i trust and that scares me and tht makes me not want to trust him, i dont want him to be that person. because that means hes kinda a big deal.
there's a part of me that hopes he'll say he can't do this anymore because I know I can't be the one to let go, there's no closure in that. and there's another part of me that just wants to hold on tighter, to hold on for dear life because i believe in me and him so much.
and after its all said and done I will never try and wonder what happened to us because then I would ruin myself by thinking about something that was really nothing.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

reminiscing

I remember eating lunch without you for the first time in weeks that after lunch when I saw you i ran to you in front of everyone and kissed you. I remember walking on the sidewalk and you telling me that you thought you were falling in love but I wouldn’t let you finish telling me I kept putting my hand over your mouth and kissing you because it was too good to be true. I remember you planning our honeymoon as if we were actually gunna get married and go to Australia and swim with the sharks. I remember the day we ran into each other and you grabbed me and kissed me for so long and walked away and told me not to kiss strangers. I remember being genuinely happy.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

fixing myself

last year I promised to surround myself with positive people and at the end of it I learned that I don't love myself.
because I surrounded myself with people who weren't positive but they just loved themselves and had no struggles or concern with anyone elses.
so I faced my struggles alone and kept things to myself and I think that made me hate myself.
it made me want to be them.
so this year it's not about surrounding myself with positive people or negative people like I did without noticing the year before but to find balance.
balance is the key.
to have positive people that aren't petty, that don't just live to smoke weed and drink. and to find someone like my old friends who were sad and deep but don't just live to cut and be depressed. I need to find stability.
stability is the key.
to have someone who has a mutual respect for you and concern for you. a friend, or lover who loves you too. there's no effort. just compromise.
compromise is the key.

I can't see a doctor so im trying to fix myself and love myself and do this on my own and it can drive me crazy sometimes but other times I feel like I have life all figured out and I want to write it down but really I just want to tell someone.
so I need to find that person with balance, stability, and whose willing to compromise so they can know what I think I've figured out and so they can know the things I haven't figured out too.

sometimes I get this really weird feeling that things are gunna work out, like this is just the beginning. and honestly I just close my eyes and savor it.

Monday, January 21, 2013

just what I think, personally

life is so easily interpretted by; that it's gunna hurt because it matters and that is in someone else's words but isn't that the exact truth?
when you feel your heart aching for someone and your going through a tough time, that just means your giving something all you got and it matters and the only time necessary to give up is when what you're fighting for, gives up on you.
life is about love and compromise
and when it comes to love it should only involve two people
and then there's the compromise which is loving someone unconditionally and individually and understanding that person and their needs and always keeping your needs into consideration too.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

I would be, I could be, but I'm not.

I would be completely fine if I never watched movies, read books, listened to music, watched tv shows and let myself fall in love with something that wasnt real.
I would be completely fine if I never dreamt about things that are impossible, or people I can't have.
but I'm not, I'm not fine.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

I. am. not. real

I don't like who I am, and I would like to change.
I've never met someone that was like me and I suppose maybe I never will but isn't that so sad?
ill never find one person that will get me and not take me for granted.
but at the same time I can't tell if I need to love myself or if I'm really that bad of a person.
I'm cruel, and sneaky, and I could leave everything and not think twice.
I don't like my own mom.
I lead boys on, I make them like me and then run away. my standards are too high. I'm a whore. I eat too much. I do drugs but I love when I don't do them. sometimes I trick myself into thinking I love too much.
I love nothing. I play games. I never call. I can't talk face to face.
I am not real.
I don't live for anything.
I watch movies and read books and write nonsense and live through other things besides myself. I'm terribly sad but I know it isn't real. I know it's all in my head.
sometimes I want to be sad. sometimes I force myself to cry.
is this real..right now?
no.
there is no REAL in this world. real is a joke. I've never met real. so therefore I am not.
I am not real.
and that is so terrifyingly horrible.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

plans to keep my mind busy

graduate, stay in Florida a year, work at Publix, go to dsc online, save money, live with my mom and or Chloe, move to Cali by the time I'm 19, take another year of school online at dsc, work at a grocery store full time, write and take pictures in my free time, meet someone (old or new), fly my parents up for a birthday present, get married and have kids in between 23-28 years old, have my wedding in Cali just flying up close friends and family, get pregnant and plan to move back to Florida so our kid will grow up around my family, have a degree so I can teach, be back in Florida by the time I'm 27, rent out my dads house with Chloe until we both find smaller houses to part ways in, be a family with my husband and kid, try to get a job at Fpc, settle down, work at Publix over summer, have first birthday cookout at dads/my house, travel to costa rica to visit dad, and so dad can see baby, plan having another kid 2 years after the first, and another a year after the second, stop at 3, get my tubes tied, spend my summers being a mom, watch my kids grow up, travel once they are old enough, have lots of birthdays, and anniversaries, and always tell my husband how much I love him and the babies he gave me.