Sunday, January 27, 2013

reminiscing

I remember eating lunch without you for the first time in weeks that after lunch when I saw you i ran to you in front of everyone and kissed you. I remember walking on the sidewalk and you telling me that you thought you were falling in love but I wouldn’t let you finish telling me I kept putting my hand over your mouth and kissing you because it was too good to be true. I remember you planning our honeymoon as if we were actually gunna get married and go to Australia and swim with the sharks. I remember the day we ran into each other and you grabbed me and kissed me for so long and walked away and told me not to kiss strangers. I remember being genuinely happy.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

fixing myself

last year I promised to surround myself with positive people and at the end of it I learned that I don't love myself.
because I surrounded myself with people who weren't positive but they just loved themselves and had no struggles or concern with anyone elses.
so I faced my struggles alone and kept things to myself and I think that made me hate myself.
it made me want to be them.
so this year it's not about surrounding myself with positive people or negative people like I did without noticing the year before but to find balance.
balance is the key.
to have positive people that aren't petty, that don't just live to smoke weed and drink. and to find someone like my old friends who were sad and deep but don't just live to cut and be depressed. I need to find stability.
stability is the key.
to have someone who has a mutual respect for you and concern for you. a friend, or lover who loves you too. there's no effort. just compromise.
compromise is the key.

I can't see a doctor so im trying to fix myself and love myself and do this on my own and it can drive me crazy sometimes but other times I feel like I have life all figured out and I want to write it down but really I just want to tell someone.
so I need to find that person with balance, stability, and whose willing to compromise so they can know what I think I've figured out and so they can know the things I haven't figured out too.

sometimes I get this really weird feeling that things are gunna work out, like this is just the beginning. and honestly I just close my eyes and savor it.

Monday, January 21, 2013

just what I think, personally

life is so easily interpretted by; that it's gunna hurt because it matters and that is in someone else's words but isn't that the exact truth?
when you feel your heart aching for someone and your going through a tough time, that just means your giving something all you got and it matters and the only time necessary to give up is when what you're fighting for, gives up on you.
life is about love and compromise
and when it comes to love it should only involve two people
and then there's the compromise which is loving someone unconditionally and individually and understanding that person and their needs and always keeping your needs into consideration too.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

I would be, I could be, but I'm not.

I would be completely fine if I never watched movies, read books, listened to music, watched tv shows and let myself fall in love with something that wasnt real.
I would be completely fine if I never dreamt about things that are impossible, or people I can't have.
but I'm not, I'm not fine.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

I. am. not. real

I don't like who I am, and I would like to change.
I've never met someone that was like me and I suppose maybe I never will but isn't that so sad?
ill never find one person that will get me and not take me for granted.
but at the same time I can't tell if I need to love myself or if I'm really that bad of a person.
I'm cruel, and sneaky, and I could leave everything and not think twice.
I don't like my own mom.
I lead boys on, I make them like me and then run away. my standards are too high. I'm a whore. I eat too much. I do drugs but I love when I don't do them. sometimes I trick myself into thinking I love too much.
I love nothing. I play games. I never call. I can't talk face to face.
I am not real.
I don't live for anything.
I watch movies and read books and write nonsense and live through other things besides myself. I'm terribly sad but I know it isn't real. I know it's all in my head.
sometimes I want to be sad. sometimes I force myself to cry.
is this real..right now?
no.
there is no REAL in this world. real is a joke. I've never met real. so therefore I am not.
I am not real.
and that is so terrifyingly horrible.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

plans to keep my mind busy

graduate, stay in Florida a year, work at Publix, go to dsc online, save money, live with my mom and or Chloe, move to Cali by the time I'm 19, take another year of school online at dsc, work at a grocery store full time, write and take pictures in my free time, meet someone (old or new), fly my parents up for a birthday present, get married and have kids in between 23-28 years old, have my wedding in Cali just flying up close friends and family, get pregnant and plan to move back to Florida so our kid will grow up around my family, have a degree so I can teach, be back in Florida by the time I'm 27, rent out my dads house with Chloe until we both find smaller houses to part ways in, be a family with my husband and kid, try to get a job at Fpc, settle down, work at Publix over summer, have first birthday cookout at dads/my house, travel to costa rica to visit dad, and so dad can see baby, plan having another kid 2 years after the first, and another a year after the second, stop at 3, get my tubes tied, spend my summers being a mom, watch my kids grow up, travel once they are old enough, have lots of birthdays, and anniversaries, and always tell my husband how much I love him and the babies he gave me.