Tuesday, January 15, 2013

I. am. not. real

I don't like who I am, and I would like to change.
I've never met someone that was like me and I suppose maybe I never will but isn't that so sad?
ill never find one person that will get me and not take me for granted.
but at the same time I can't tell if I need to love myself or if I'm really that bad of a person.
I'm cruel, and sneaky, and I could leave everything and not think twice.
I don't like my own mom.
I lead boys on, I make them like me and then run away. my standards are too high. I'm a whore. I eat too much. I do drugs but I love when I don't do them. sometimes I trick myself into thinking I love too much.
I love nothing. I play games. I never call. I can't talk face to face.
I am not real.
I don't live for anything.
I watch movies and read books and write nonsense and live through other things besides myself. I'm terribly sad but I know it isn't real. I know it's all in my head.
sometimes I want to be sad. sometimes I force myself to cry.
is this real..right now?
no.
there is no REAL in this world. real is a joke. I've never met real. so therefore I am not.
I am not real.
and that is so terrifyingly horrible.

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