Monday, February 25, 2013

to wait or not to

You can't handle how you feel, let alone how I feel. I can't wait for words that you may never say. I can't wait at all, anymore. I could be missing out on so much.
But I can't end things knowing that you will leave so much unsaid. I need to hear your words, I'm so stubborn, but I know you love me and I know I'm contradicting myself but I'm having a war. To wait or not to.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

the world didn't end

it's currently 2013 and I'm lying in bed.
when really, I thought the mother fucking sky was falling.
now you can imagine the excitement of getting to live but what I didn't imagine happening was the anxiety of my future because I was actually RELYING on the world to end.
everyone went all out, and it's like..now what?
I know I feel like I gave out all my love and feelings and concern all in 2012.
now I have to make plans, I actually have to have a future.
and realizing that completely will take me some time.
but for now all I know is I'm not prepared for the planning.
I planned and planned and planned and now, well times up kaila!
your running out of time, out of money, out of space, out of words.
and as much as I want to start planning again..I can't because everyone I want in my life isn't in it and everyone I want out is up my ass.
as you get older you really do get wiser. and when your parents tell you something and say you'll understand it once you're older, that's true too.
so much shit happened to me and the more I age the more I realize what has happened to me.
I need to talk about it.
I need to talk about how the woman I hate most was a motherly figure to me.
that when my mom was out and about for two years, the crazy bitch who tried to kill my dad and ruin my life was also a mother to me. she was a real person and I had feelings for her. sometimes I even thought I loved her, sometimes now I wanna throw up just thinking that I might miss her.
having a sister most of growing up and now she's gone. and my best friend is just like her and I'm reminded everyday how much I took our relationship for granted.
I don't know if it's because I'm about to graduate and being an adult and going out into real life is scaring me but it sure is opening my eyes to a new reality. I'm realizing too much about myself all at once that I can't take a second to even stop and think what it means.
all I know is there are deep roots behind me, that have made me who I am and they will only haunt me if I don't come out and talk about my life.
my life that I hated so much.
everything is killing me.
I wouldn't be surprised if I pack up and leave when I get the chance.
I don't know if ill have the balls to leave people I love. but most of my love goes to someone who doesn't love me.
I think it's time to throw my white flag up in the air, surrender, it's done, over.
I.give.up.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

the problem to my relationships

I used to spend so much time trying to explain myself, and every time, I explained myself differently. so I just stopped because I'm constantly changing, and the only thing that ever remains the same is that after all is said and done and I put myself out there, I'm still misunderstood.

I just don't want to give people the time to get to know me because the moment you start something with someone and reveal yourself, that's an attachment. and when you start something, that also includes an ending.
I spend my whole life not defining things and dragging things along because I'm waiting for that feeling to go away. I'm waiting to not be scared of the ending, I'm waiting for the person that is worth the risk. that no matter what the ending looks like, ill be there.

and theres a person i have in mind.
and i trust him so much, like hes the only person i trust and that scares me and tht makes me not want to trust him, i dont want him to be that person. because that means hes kinda a big deal.
there's a part of me that hopes he'll say he can't do this anymore because I know I can't be the one to let go, there's no closure in that. and there's another part of me that just wants to hold on tighter, to hold on for dear life because i believe in me and him so much.
and after its all said and done I will never try and wonder what happened to us because then I would ruin myself by thinking about something that was really nothing.