Wednesday, March 20, 2013

lust

I want lust.
I want everything bad for me.
the bad boy that just wants to fuck me.
I want him to fuck me until I'm numb.
I want his hands aggressively, all over me.
grabbing and pulling, like he can't get enough.
I want his nails down my back, and his teeth on my neck and lips.
I want to get chills, aches, and bruises.
I want him to charm me afterwards with all the sweet talk and tenderness that is all FAKE.
he can run his fingers down my back and kiss my face and play with my hair.
I want him at any time and every time. any where and every where.
I want my feet to curl, and have to fight the urge not to scream.
and when it's all said and done, ill remember him.


Monday, March 18, 2013

speak

I can't.
I can't speak.
people ask my what's wrong and if just won't come out.
I'm so scared of everything, so irrationally scared and paranoid.
I'm confused as to how this all could happen. how can I not feel anything, how am I so alone, so mad, so sad, so scared, so heartless, so bi polar, so crazy.
I'm going crazy. still going crazy.
I've never burned myself so good until a couple days ago.
I've been thinking about killing myself every day. I've been crying every day.
I never cry.
why didn't the world end? how didn't it? how am I still here and how is this real life? I don't feel real. I feel like it's impossible for someone to feel this way. how can a mind be so fucked up?
and most importantly, how can I be so fucked up in the head and completely aware of it but I can't change it. why can't it just be that easy! and why do I know I need hell but can't seem to know why I need it or why I can't talk about it. I just know something really fucked up is going on.
I wake up every morning just to want to go right back to my dreams. I don't want this to be real anymore. id rather be gone. I'd rather be dead. I need help because this is the end. I can feel it and I crying out for help in my head but no one can hear me.
someone please help me, please save me.
I don't want to be like her.
like my step mom.
what if no one believes that I'm fucked up.
I don't think anyone will.
they will think I'm lying just like she was. she lied and wanted everyone to port her and I hated her and now I'm like her.
what if the whole time what she was feeling was real?
I need to be saved

Sunday, March 17, 2013

first love

I literally feel nothing, I am detaching from everything. I have never felt alone or real heartbreak until now.
you know when cheesy girls say "he was my one and only" and everyone laughs because they all know it's not gunna ever be like that, I'm one of those girls. I know ill move on and my life will be perfectly fine without him but right now I need my time. just a couple days to not be okay, because I am not okay. you all asking if I'm okay when you already know the answer. id rather silence than sympathy.

it's so fucked up how much I can love someone, but it be this easy to move on. all because you were never around. all because we were both just in love with the idea of each other. all because we were both each others first loves.

there's no words for what we were besides; first love.
when bad shit happens it makes you a better writer, especially when you want to be a writer. just think of all the psychological damage a writer will go through to be a better writer.

Friday, March 15, 2013

it's gunna hurt

I've never loved someone so bad. where even when it gets so rough you can't let go, the person you wait around for, the type of relationship that both people knows that it will never happen but you just put all your emotional energy into it anyways. it's exhausting and depressing. I'm in need of Xanax and a good fuck. I don't want to feel anything anymore. it's all about getting even for him and I know with that being said if I see him tonight it won't be good. I have neee loved someone so bad. how did I just work up the courage to end things but it got turned around me and I'm the one at home in bed crying. because it matters, it hurts this much because Collin Larocco matters. he mattered the most and now I have to try and make him not matter,

Sunday, March 10, 2013

it's my fault

the burn is so small no one will ever notice or realize how much it hurt. it each time it looks worst but hurts a little less but it's still painful but things get numb afterwards. I think I should go to the doctor, no one will take me, I have no one to talk to, my own best friend doesn't want to hear it, she doesn't know. she thinks her problems are bigger. I think I want to die again. idk why but I feel like maybe I should just go now, away, for awhile. I turn everything around me into shit, I ruin everything it makes me wanna puke. I think I just might..
I'm sick to my stomach I just need someone as fucked up as me to fuck the pain out of me. I'm not ready for life. life isn't ready for me. I'm evil.