Thursday, August 29, 2013

ugh

you're a distraction to my life. I have all these things I should be worried about but I worry about you the most. I don't worry in a bad way, but you consume my thoughts. and there's not a day where we aren't talking, how do you not get distracted by something like that? everything about you: your smile, your eyes, your voice, your laugh, the way you think you're an asshole but you have this side to you that's like a little kid, how you kiss me, how you play, your way with words. everything about you kills me, just knocks me the fuck out. and wherever my feelings go with this, it'll be worth it. you can crush me and it would be the best. you warned me and i haven't even tried to stay away, how could I? I'm so used to you, how could I stay away?

Friday, August 23, 2013

just like in movies

maybe you just want to watch a nice movie; in our underwear, in my bed, like many people do. or maybe you want me in my underwear and a tshirt just so you can pull my shirt over my head and kiss my neck and lay in bed with me straddling you and my hair all in my face, like the mess it always is. and then, I'll kiss you just once, and your hands will be in my hair, you'll push me over and straddle me and kiss me and touch me. and you know us...no self control. so you can let your imagination run wild about what happens next. here's a clue: we end up laying side by side breathless and maybe I'll kiss you and you'll kiss me. and surely I'll be a good host and put my tshirt and underwear back on and cook you food, like you see in movies. and when it's all said and done, maybe you'll fall in love with me.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

welcome back insomnia

okay, how much motivation does it take to go to sleep?
I thought staying up until 5 am yesterday would help but nooo, here I am. 
can't get comfortable and can't stop thinking. can't decide if I should just lay here, read a book, go outside or watch a movie. 
usually it's easy, I lay down and I imagine all these scenarios until I start to fall asleep and the scenarios turn into dreams and then that's it, I'm off.
but the past nights I can't shut down, I'm completely on and wired.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

I've been waiting for this moment and now what

my dad has always pushed me to do good and school and go to college. and I've always wanted to do good in school and go to college.
but here we are, less than a week away from my first day and my car is broke, my dog is dying, I'm going to fucking college and my dad is leaving. not for business or anything important. he's leaving to get away from the stress and he didn't even notice that what he's stressed out about is what I'm even more stressed anout. you're stressed about my life, well I am too. so it's a bit selfish and inconsiderate for you to get up and go and not to stop and think for one god damn second that I need you.
he leaves in one day, and my car is still not working. I've given him money once a week for the past month so it could be fixed by the time he leaves and nothing has been done. but he still thinks its okay to whine and complain to me about what I'm doing wrong. that's not okay, you're leaving me! after all this time of pushing me to get where I'm about to be, it's all about to go to shit just because I don't have a fucking car. I could've done this on my own if I had warning, I could've done it like I wanted to but you were the one that convinced me to stay and live with you. for what? so you can fucking leave when I need you most. I haven't had a peaceful moment in weeks because I'm stressed and you've taken it upon yourself to be stressed for me and I totally love you for that, but don't leave. don't fucking leave. 

Thursday, August 1, 2013

independence?

do you think there are people who just go their whole life withou being in a relationship? because really, who ever said that having a companion is required in the rule book of life? I think it's okay for a person to be alone, it's just a more  literal form of independence. 
I bet some people can't even fathom being alone. we all know someone who's like that too, and if you can't think of that person, then the person is you I'm afraid. 
I prefer to be alone. it's a good thing and it's a bad thing but I don't know what's good and bad. I know it's a good thing that i protect myself and don't get close to anyone but what if I'm protecting myself from good things and missing those good things? 
isn there a way to find someone else like this? someone who will understand that "hey I love kissing you. I may even love you, but no, I don't need you."