Friday, June 27, 2014

forever love

who am I 
I'm sometime miserable and pessimistic 
quiet and sad
and a lot of the time I smile and laugh
but before what you see I'm what I feel 
I'm miserable, pessimistic,quiet, and sad.
that's who I am 
no one made me this way
no one can make me not be this way
my life made me this way
my life made me constantly look to the future
all I want to do is plan plan plan
and it's stupid 
I know that 
because it's true isn't it? in 7 years "we" won't be "us" 
"we" will be you and some other girl 
"we" will be me and some other boy
you believe that don't you? 
I never believed that.
I was always so stubborn when I was a kid, saying I never believed in love. but all the while I was in love for the first time.
of course I believed in love. 
what I didn't believe in was boyfriends you just met. 
I believed in connections, in real love, I wanted it all at once.
I still want it all at once. 
i still want to plan plan plan. 
even if I know it's stupid
moving out, moving away, moving in, marriage, kids.
and i refuse be with anyone unless I see that future. 
but I've learned not a lot of people see it that way.
because that's not real is it?
because only some people can feel the way I do. 
some people find it hard to look into the future, others find it hard not to look back in the past, and the good ones only care about the present.
well I'm not one of the good ones.
and I'm not the bad one either.
I'm the hopeless one.
I'm the one planning my future before it happens. 
I'm the one getting excited about my life but sitting here right now not living it. 
because I believe in forever love.
but forever love isn't real.
i don't believe anymore. 
so now I'm even more miserable, pessimistic, quiet, and sad.
because nothing lasts.
because realistically, this won't last.
but I still love to think it will. 

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